Slow, Deep and Hard
by Niki Chidon
Summary: aka Unsuccesfully Coping With the Natural Beauty of Infidelity. femRevan/Canderous, femRevan/Carth. Love and destiny can be cruel to some.


Disclaimer: Lucas owns the Universe, Bioware the characters. 

Notes: Inspired by the song of the same name by Type O Negative but I'm not using the lyrics in the story, only the premise: a guy drinking because he saw his girl with another man.

o o o

Unsuccesfully Coping with the Natural Beauty of Infidelity

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I suppose I knew it would happen, sooner or later. It's not like we made any promises. And you can't really cheat on someone you're not actually in a relationship with.

Doesn't mean it wouldn't hurt.

_uncork the bottle_

She... she's brilliant. Sexy. Talented. Beautiful. Beautiful... Of course I wanted her.

_take a gulp_

I got her. I like sex. She likes sex. Great stress relief. Ever since Dantooine, on and off, we'd steal a few moments for ourselves for some hot, steamy, full body contact, one-on-one exercise.

_drain the bottle_

I always knew it wasn't more than that. We never even spoke of it. It's not like she was ashamed of it - it was just a complete non-issue. It never came up. I never knew if the others even noticed anything.

_open another one_

He knew. I know that now. All through our 'adventure'... he knew. Fuck. Did it have to be him?! Of all the people in the universe she could fall for. Never could stand him, from the moment I set my eyes on him.

Oh, I appreciated his skills, alright. And so did she, quite obviously.

_feel the bitter liquid burn your throat_

After we were all done with our mission, decorated and thanked, we killed time on Coruscant while looking for our new places in the grand scheme of things. She never bothered getting her own place, just bunked with me. Knew better than to take that as a commitment, though. 

She did spend nights with Bastila in the Temple, or with Mission and Zaalbar, just as regularly. She always travels light. Clothes on her back, weapons in her belt. Never left anything of herself anywhere. Still I wished... of course I did. 

Should've known better than to let her touch burn through my skin into my heart.

_another, another, another..._

This was no special night. Out dancing, as she often does. She always came home to me, afterwards, sweaty and willing. Never needed anyone but me...

I wasn't following her. I was out drinking with some old friends I'd run into. Happened to see her, walking into a club.

Ordinary night, ordinary clothes. I followed her just to say 'hi, fancy seeing you here.' Her surprise was genuine when meeting him, of that I'm sure.

Doesn't mean the smile on her face wasn't a dagger into my gut. Her face never brightened like that for me.

_grip the bottle so tight it breaks and shards fly around the room_

They danced. They kissed. From the shocked looks on their faces I knew it was the first time. I should have left then.

_ignore the cuts and open another bottle_

They left the club, kissing in the dark alleys. I couldn't help but follow.

Never even made it to his apartment.

Writhing, moaning... with me she never, ever made a sound. Took all I could give - and that's a lot - but never let out more than a gasp.

Then I saw her... she looked like she does when she's healing someone and I knew she was using the Force to touch him, to do _things_ to him, and it hurt it hurt it hurt so much because I knew then that she had to _love_ him. It wasn't like with me, it was _permanent_.

_empty it with one swig_

I heard them. He apologised. She apologised. They shouldn't have. Not until clearing up the situation with me. It's not like there were promises on either side but she felt she needed to be honest with me.

He told her how jealous he'd been. She apologised to _him_. Didn't think he'd known or cared. And then he said he lover her. Had loved through all those crazy months. And she... and she... she said she loved him. Always had. And she looked so fucking happy I ran. I ran. I ran. And in the safety of my rooms I drink.

_hear the door opening, she's home_

"How do I get a feeling you already know what I'm here to say," her calm voice is not really asking; my slumped form by the window, surrounded by bottles - empty and full - must make it pretty clear.

"I saw you," I say, simply, not turning to look at her.

"I'm... sorry. I never meant for it to end like this."

"But you meant for it to end."

"You knew it would."

Why does she have to sound so calm and reasonable all the time?

"Yeah, well, didn't know it would be because of _him_."

"I love him." 

Fuck, but that hurts.

"Yet it was me you fucked."

Is that calm voice mine?

"You were... simpler. Amidst all that I didn't have the time or energy to deal with the feelings he created. No reserves to use in a... relationship."

"That's harsh," I say but still sound as damn reasonable as she.

"All you wanted was sex," she reminds us but I shake my head.

"At first, yes. Then I settled for it."

"I... I didn't know."

I let out a laugh that hasn't got much humour in it. "Didn't know he loved you, either."

"Couldn't afford to look at him for long enough to see," she admitted softly.

If I was a better man, I would feel happy for her. I'm not. 

"You obviously can afford the time and resources now."

"Yes. My destiny lies with him."

"Never liked him anyway..."

"I never meant to... hurt you."

"Bah. Been wounded in a battle before. Damn drinks, shouldn't have said anything. Go have a bright future with your Republic flyboy, Revan."

Did I mean to hurt her? Why would I call her that otherwise? Yet her voice hasn't changed a bit when she goes on.

"You have your own destiny, and it is not with me, Canderous."

"Yeah, yeah. May the Force be with you and all that."

"Thank you for giving me shelter."

Then she's gone, and I still stare out of the window. Didn't want to see her face, radiantly beautiful in the expectance of her future with him. 

But I see them anyway. He was waiting for her outside, on the terrace that runs around the building just outside my window. He hugs her close, as if they haven't seen in years instead of minutes. I'd recognise that damn jacket anywhere. So why didn't I spot him sooner? 

That's when I realise it's because I haven't seen a thing in ages. Which is when I recognise the moisture on my face.

They don't even kiss, just hold each other like they never want to let go.

Love. Destiny. How could I fight against that?

Knew better than to expect anything. 

Doesn't mean I didn't, deep down. 

Didn't fall.

The cuts in my hand are long gone but this is one hurt my implant cannot heal.


End file.
